April Fool's Day

"Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you." - Langston Hughes

It's April Fool's Day!  And in the spirit of the Prairie Home Companion annual Jokes show, here are some of my favorite gardening jokes form around the web.  Sources are below the jokes list.



One Liners

• If I could only grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator (from David Hobson's Garden Humor)
• Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled. (from David Hobson's Garden Humor)
• What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck. (from David Hobson's Garden Humor)
• What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming. (from David Hobson's Garden Humor)
• Why do melons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe. (from David Hobson's Garden Humor)
• What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut? Chrysanthemummies. (from Karen and Mike Garofalo's Green Way Blog)
• "Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible (from Karen and Mike Garofalo's Green Way Blog)exception of a moose singing "Embraceable You" in spats." - Woody Allen (from Karen and Mike Garofalo's Green Way Blog)
• A magical tractor was driving down the road and it turned into a field. (from Karen and Mike Garofalo's Green Way Blog)
• What is small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish. (from Karen and Mike Garofalo's Green Way Blog)

Long Jokes
Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop. Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming. The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse.
A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family. Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert. Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to “persuade” the friars to close. Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop. When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close.
This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars. ~ Paul (from David Hobson's Garden Humor)

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright-red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!" (from David Hobson's Garden Humor)

The real meaning of plant catalog terminology:
"A favorite of birds" means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.
"Grows more beautiful each year" means "Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future."
"Zone 5 with protection" is a variation on the phrase "Russian roulette."
"May require support" means your daughter's engineering degree will finally pay off.
"Moisture-loving" plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.
"Carefree" refers more to the plant's attitude than to your workload.
"Vigorous" is code for "has a Napoleonic compulsion to take over the world."
"Grandma's Favorite" -- until she discovered free-flowering, disease-resistant hybrids. (from Karen and Mike Garofalo's Green Way Blog)

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," said the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for you helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow. (from the Maggies Garden Forum)